When the Life That Once Fit You Doesn’t Anymore | Dr. Lorea Martínez

What happens when the work, purpose, or life that once felt right suddenly doesn’t?

For Dr. Lorea Martínez, burnout didn’t begin with a dramatic collapse. It appeared gradually. The purpose-driven work she once loved stopped bringing joy. Her creativity dried up. And like many high achievers, when things became harder, her instinct was to push harder.

Until she realized the problem wasn’t that she needed to try more.

She needed to pause.

In this conversation, Lorea and I explore burnout not simply as exhaustion, but as information: a signal that something in our lives may no longer be working the way it once did. Lorea explains why purpose isn't fixed, why rest alone may not be enough, and why the person who chose your path 10, 20, or 30 years ago isn't necessarily the person you are today. 

We also explore emotional intelligence, old patterns learned in childhood, self-compassion, boundaries, creativity, and Lorea's HEART in Mind framework.

And one idea sits beautifully at the center of this conversation:

Emotions are information, not instructions.

When we can pause long enough to notice what is happening inside us, name it, and become curious about what it's telling us, we create more choice in what happens next. Lorea describes everyday life as full of opportunities to practice exactly that pause. 

This is Episode 17 of Delay the Binge™: The Journey, Week Four: LIVING THE JOURNEY.

The goal isn't perfection. It's becoming.

Connect with Dr. Lorea Martínez:
Website: https://loreamartinez.com/
Book: https://a.co/d/0dylttQM

Delay the Binge™ with Pam Dwyer
Pause. Choose. Build momentum. Finish stronger.

Transcript

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Welcome And A New Burnout Lens

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Delay the Binge. This is the podcast about what happens in the pause before the reaction when life gets hard. Because that's where change begins. What if burnout isn't the problem? What if it's the signal that you've been disconnected from yourself for far longer than you realize? My guest today is Dr. Lorea Martinez, award-winning author, speaker, founder of Heart and Mind, and creator of an evidence-based framework that helps people build emotional intelligence, resilience, and well-being. For more than two decades, she's helped leaders, educators, and organizations translate research into practical tools people can actually use. Her book, Living with the Heart and Mind, explores how burnout affects not only our energy, but our sense of purpose, identity, and connection to ourselves. Lorea, welcome to Delay the Bench. Thank you, Pam. Thank you for having me. You're so welcome. I'm so excited you're here with us. I'm just going to get

The Burnout That Killed Creativity

SPEAKER_00 1:10

right into it. Before there was a framework, before there was a book, who was the woman heading toward burnout without realizing it.

SPEAKER_01 1:20

Well, it was a woman who had been in the education field for 20 years. And I started my career as an educator. And I was a program administrator, a school administrator, board member, consultant. I've had so many different roles in education. And it got to a point where the things that used to fill me, that used to make me feel good about doing this very purpose-driven work, started feeling like joy. And that's when I realized that there was something that wasn't working anymore. And I needed to take a pause, like you well say, and take a take a moment to slow down and consider what was happening for me and why was I feeling so um unhappy with how things were going and where I was going with my life.

SPEAKER_00 2:22

Gosh, kudos to you because a lot of times people wait far too long to become curious, making themselves more aware of what's happening with themselves. I noticed uh in the information that I was researching on you, you mentioned uh that your own experience with burnout became part of the inspiration behind your book. What was happening in your life at that time?

SPEAKER_01 2:50

Yeah, so one of the things that was happening as a, you know, at the time I was uh mostly working with educators, providing professional development. Yes. And as part of that work, I always had a passion for creating, like writing, creating uh beautiful training materials. That's a place where I felt like my creativity would really flourish. And I felt very stuck in my creativity. I felt very dry. I didn't want, I didn't have anything within. I didn't feel like I had anything else to say or provide or support others. And that place was very difficult because um it had been my the place of joy, and it wasn't there anymore. So that was really one of the signals that I had been missing all along. That was not a one-day thing, it had been happening for months, but it was when I was able to name that that was burnout that things really changed for me. And that took a long time because when you do purpose-driven work, like if you are in the helping professions, you're an educator in healthcare, it almost feels like you don't have the right to burnout because you are doing it because you want to improve the lives of others. And that's actually a misconception and something that we we should talk about because it impacts many, many educators and people who work in hospitals, in professions that are trying to help others, and really burnout is is real.

SPEAKER_00 4:35

It really is, and I can so relate to that because I'm a retired youth minister. And let me tell you, we burn out so many youth ministers because it's a lot of work and it is from the heart. And it does seem like people that are involved in that type of work as teachers that we burn out. We don't even realize it because we're so focused on making a difference in little ones' lives. First of all, thank you for that. But I'm so sorry that you experienced the burnout that a lot of people do. That's the high achiever in you. So why do you think high achievers are often the last people to recognize that they're burnt out themselves?

SPEAKER_01 5:16

Yes. I believe that is because you the the path forward is to push through. And when you're a high achiever, that's the only thing that you know how to do is to continue to move forward, to continue to try harder when things are not working, or where you feel like, you know, that you feel like, oh, I'm being lazy or I'm not putting my 100% and I need to try more. And that increases the feelings of burnout because you are not recognizing that you are your your uh nervous system, you are overwhelming it. So it increases and it makes things worse when you are just trying to push through. But that's a natural, I would say a natural um inclination that we have. And some of the work that I've done with this new book, which has been a tool for my own healing, is to consider how that's a pattern for me. And I know that when I'm in a situation when things become harder, I double down. So I'm gonna try to go, hey, there's a wall, I'm gonna go around, above it, under it, like whatever I need to do to make it happen. And sometimes that's not the best solution. Sometimes you have to pause and look at the wall and see, well, is this really worth climbing, this wall? And that's the place where the having that awareness, having that moment to pause and consider what's happening, it's what's gonna help anybody who who experiences burnout to to really see what's really happening and do it from a place of curiosity.

Why High Achievers Push Through

unknown 7:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:10

Something else that was important in through my process is to um change a little bit that internal dialogue and seeing burnout as, oh, this is a signal for you. There's something that is not working in your life, and maybe there are some changes that are being presented to you, even if you don't see them yet, right? There's a recognition that there's something else there for you. And when you have that curiosity and you are able to engage with your experience from that perspective, it feels less like, oh, I'm failing in my life, or I'm failing at work, or I'm failing in my relationships, and really seeing it as an opportunity for for yourself to consider something that you need to pay attention to.

SPEAKER_00 7:59

Exactly. You are talking my language. This is what delay the binge is all about. You can be on the show every single episode. Just have an expert validate what we've been trying to get across is is amazing. So thank you for that. And burnout isn't just being tired. A lot of people misunderstand what burnout is and how it's caused, because you talk about losing clarity, confidence, and even a sense of identity, which we've talked about that before. And you referred to the wall. I like to refer to the mountain that we're climbing when you get to the top and you don't feel anything. No joy, no sadness, just nothing. Because you didn't enjoy the the journey along the way, keeping an eye out, being clear on what's happening inside of you. So what do you think begins to happen when burnout goes unaddressed?

SPEAKER_01 9:03

Yes. Um, when it goes unaddressed, I I think that not not everybody has like a crisis, what I would call in terms of having a moment where really things are not okay. And in the book, I tell the story of when I realized that I was experiencing burnout. And I had gone for a walk with a colleague who was helping me think through my consulting business, how to maybe um get some new work and some new clients, a a new a new source of income. And I I was I was listening and we were, it was just a brainstorming session. I felt so overwhelmed and so hopeless that I started crying. We were in the middle of the street, just like walking around, and I couldn't stop. And that was not, it's not, you know, I have nothing against tears, like tears are data, but I knew that that for me that was not uh a normal behavior. It was something, it was a signal that something bad was really happening. And that was a moment when I realized, oh, there's, you know, you need to pause, like this is not going well. Like all those feelings that you that surfaced that day had been, you know, boiling inside for many, many months. And that was a moment when they came out, but they had been there all along. So I I was gonna say that back to your question when when we don't address or we don't see that it's burnout, we just keep going. And then we continue to compromise our nervous system, our well-being. And it's not something just individual, it impacts our relationships. One of the signals that people miss often is that the small things become really big. So even like a small challenge during the day, it is perceived when you're under burnout as something much bigger. And that means that people around you will deal with that. So if you have loved ones at home, your children, your partner, your parents, whoever that is in your in your social context, will experience that you are not well, that you are not your normal self. Because we we it is so much harder to go down to a calm state because we have that exposure to being in a state of continuous stress.

SPEAKER_00 11:43

Exactly.

When Stress Spills Into Relationships

SPEAKER_00 11:44

And I refer to it as quiet depletion, meaning everything looks fine on the outside, but on the inside, we are burning out. We're uh mentally exhausted. That's so true. If you reconnect with your purpose and even with your love of writing, and that you've claimed that that actually was became part of your healing process. From one writer to the other, I know exactly what you mean, but can we let our listeners know uh why rest alone wasn't enough?

SPEAKER_01 12:17

Yes, I rested alone wasn't enough because I there were things that I needed to change. And one was that pattern of striving that was in me, like push forward, just keep trying. Um, and that's something that I realized got me to that place. And I needed to change that if I wanted to have a different outcome. And the writing, when I realized that I had another book in me and I had written a book for educators a few years back, um, that felt like the right bridge. And truly, the book is full

Rest Alone Doesn’t Fix Burnout

SPEAKER_01 12:56

of tools that I use for my own recovery, the things that I found that were helpful for me, um, starting with recognizing those patterns and really pausing to name my emotions, really name that I was not doing okay. And that it was, it was time to revisit my purpose. And that's hard because another misconception is that once you find your purpose, you think that that's something that you won't have to revisit during your lifetime. It's just you found it and that's it, right? And that's actually not the case because you are not the same person that decided to go into your profession maybe 10, 20, maybe 30 years ago. So this idea that purpose is something that can change over time as you change as a human being, as your experience, life experiences change you, you have an opportunity to reconsider, well, I've done this up to this point. Do I want to continue doing this or not? And I felt once I recognized that, that opened a lot more space, like in my heart and in my mind, to be able to move in a different direction if that's the place where I wanted to go, without having the conditioning of, oh, this is my past, and I just have to continue doing the same thing.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

I love that so much. Literally, the mantra of my book is your past doesn't define you, it prepares you. And it's all about using pain for purpose. And that's exactly what you just described. Because purpose is everything. It really does heal. Another thing I noticed you said that uh really meant a lot to me is that purpose, let's see, purpose lives at the intersection of what moves us and what the world needs from us. So is that you saying that it's like a calling? Or maybe you feel like we were led to that purpose, or do you think that it's just being curious and aware and just finding something that that helps you heal? It's both.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

It's a calling in the sense that there is something out there for you to do that is meaningful to you as an individual and that will make the world a better place. And if you are patient enough, you will get to know what that thing is. But it requires, well, first of all, we start from the always from the self, from the inside. And you have to name what things that are motivating to you, what are the things that are important, what do you care about? And do that trying to be curious and not carry, you know, we all carry all the baggage with us in our backpack. And let's put the backpack down for a moment and just be open, like really I ask you honestly, what do you care about? Like, can you answer that question? And then when you look around in the world, in your local community, in the global community, I'm sure there are things that people care about that that really maybe breaks their heart, or there's something, there's a particular topic or a particular issue in our society that they feel passionate about. And when you connect those two, that's where purpose lives, somewhere in that space between how you can apply yourself in the world and what the world needs from you. And once you and and then it's not something that you find, and I purposefully title my book Cultivating Purpose, not finding purpose, because the idea is that it's not something, a destination where you go. It's not something that you find and you are done, but something that you can actually enhance and live, embrace every day in your daily life. You don't have to quit, you know, what you are doing today. You can live your purpose in an interaction with somebody at the grocery store. So I think that opening that concept of purpose is helpful because then it doesn't feel as something that is unattainable or something that because you have financial obligations or familiar obligations that you won't be able to do is something much more uh broader, but also meaningful to the individual.

SPEAKER_00 17:36

Yes, so much. What I love, love, love about your book is there are a lot of books about burnout. There are a lot of books about all of this, but it seems to me that they're just talking about what it is, what causes it, all the things that we just discussed. But then you go a step further and you actually give them action, you give them something to do, a solution, what they can actually apply to their lives to start working on themselves so that they're not losing their identity, that they're not having anger issues at all their loved ones, all the signs that we see. The body is a well-oiled machine. It's trying to tell us when we're burning out, it's giving us all the signs. It's just what do we do when we realize, okay, we're burning out. Now what do I do? Yes. So that was just the beauty of your book is that you're giving solutions and actions that you can take to apply in your life. And I love that. Thank you. You're so welcome.

Purpose Changes As You Change

SPEAKER_00 18:36

One thing that really uh struck me was your discussion around unlearning. I so love that. Unlearning, because it's kind of like what we refer to as patterns. The brain loves patterns and it's learned bad behavior, it's learned good behavior, but what it knows is what it wants to continue to do. So you have to unlearn that. And you shared an example of a child being told not to cry and then carrying that lesson into adulthood. Can you tell us a little bit about that?

SPEAKER_01 19:10

Yes. And that's something that many educators that I've worked with, they've heard that at home, right? A parent who said, hey, we don't have time for crying, right? We gotta keep moving forward, we have to, you know, strap our boots, continue to fight for a better future, which is completely understandable. At the same time, when you are told, hey, don't cry, that means the way that we hear that is to think about or or not not even think about our emotions, but to ignore and to suppress our feelings. And in in my work, I see emotions as information, as data, something that helps us to make better decisions, to know ourselves better, to be more effective and efficient in our work, but also to be better people and more caring and kind in our relationships. So when we hear those things, and the example of don't cry, that means we are not letting our emotions surface. Which means that they are gonna be uh suppressed, they are gonna be ignored. Maybe we see them a little bit, but we are trying not to deal with them. And that's something that is so important to unlearn because the more that we can be, the that we can name our emotions and really understand what's the emotional experience, what's my reaction in this situation? Why am I feeling so frustrated when you know I've dealt with this problem before, when we are able to understand why that's happening, that gives us a lot of data points in our lives to make better decisions. So part of the process is to notice if you have those lessons that you have learned, and most of them uh come from our families when, you know, by how we were raised. It can also come from how we have been conditioned in our uh social environments, our place of work, our um, you know, faith environments. There are certain lessons about emotions that we learn. And when you can put your finger on one and say, oh, that's something I learned, but it's not serving me well today, that's a that's a place for celebration because once one, once you see it, you can do something about it. But until you do, uh, it's just the way you are. Like you can't see yourself outside of that situation.

SPEAKER_00 21:57

Yes, I agree. And there's so many common uh emotional lessons that we learn as children, and it then it ends up hurting us later in life. And this one research experiment I just recently saw, it comes to mind where they're asking these little girls of all different ages uh to walk like a girl and to throw a ball like a girl. And the experiment was to show how we are so socially trained to believe that as a girl, that's an insult. Oh, you throw like a girl. It means you're weak. It means that you're not strong. And most of these girls, that's what they believed. And because we've been trained, we've been taught so young all of these things that hurt us later. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 22:47

And for women in particular, we have been taught that we become too emotional. We get our periods, we become too emotional. We are in perimenopause, menopause, we are too emotional. And there, and then that that's a place for invalidation because your experience is real. What you the way that you see the world is real, and what you feel in your body is real. So there is a negative connotation to when people say, oh, you are too emotional. And that's part of the word that in relearning how we can be with our emotions. Because if you have a healthy way to process your feelings, you don't get stuck, right? You you learn how to pause, name them, process them, and then once you do that, you can transform them, right? You you can move to a different place where you have learned the information those feelings are trying to tell you. And then, okay, now you have that data, you can move on to something else. Um, the place where we get uh where we get into trouble is when we continue to recreate that emotion because we are either overthinking, because we are ruminating, because we didn't take the time to really understand what's happening. And that's when we can become stuck in the emotions. But if you have like a process to go through it, it's a cycle, right? The emotions are like the weather. They are here to, you know, sunny today where I am. Tomorrow it might be cloudy, so they will pass. Uh, but we just have to watch the weather go by.

SPEAKER_00 24:35

Yes, yes. So I think many adults react to life today based on the rules they learned decades ago. And I was wondering, what does it take? Being aware, being curious, of course, that is what it takes to begin questioning those patterns, but is there anything else that they could do? Like I always uh recommend journaling because a lot of times you don't recognize your patterns. You have to see it over and over. I mean, what's what do you think?

SPEAKER_01 25:07

I have one trick that works every time. You just have to go ask a loved one, what are my patterns related to whatever situation? So, for example, in my own case, I know that when people come to me, maybe we made a plan for how we're gonna spend the weekend, we're gonna go to the beach because the weather is gonna be beautiful. And someone comes and says, you know what? Like I thought that maybe we need to do some, you know, grocery shopping, or there's something that we need to fix, or we have to run errands with the children. Just the fact that the plan gets changed, that's a trigger for me. And I just know we can't do that. We have to, you know, we said we were gonna go to the beach. How are we changing the plan now? So that's something that I had to ask my spouse and be like, oh, what happens there? And he was able to really say, Oh, that's you say no, that's your first reaction. And that's a way, that was a way for me to control the situation and be like, oh, we had made a plan and now um you are changing the plan, so I don't like it, so I'm just gonna say no, instead of really considering, oh yeah, maybe we do need to go to the grocery store, or maybe if the plan was to do work at home, but there's an opportunity to enjoy the beautiful weather, why wouldn't you change that? So I can tell you over time, I've become a lot more spontaneous and less caught up on like this is the this is the plan, right? But that to the recognizing that that was a pattern and a pattern that I wasn't necessarily enjoying, or it wasn't getting me where I wanted to be in my relationship in how I was showing up for my family or at work. So when you ask someone you trust, that you have to be willing to listen to the answer. That's a good way to gather the information because patterns are so ingrained that sometimes it's hard for us to see it, but the people around us will be able to share it pretty fast and pretty accurately.

SPEAKER_00 27:22

Yes, you can count on them, that's for sure. I mean, I know if I ever got spankins growing up, which I got a lot of them, but one of the main problems I had as a child, and the reason I was spanked so much is because my parents were firm believers in you do what you say you're going to do no matter what. I mean, there is no leniency there at all. Yeah. And for them it was very important. So you see how it can from generation to generation, it can keep feeding each generation. But I definitely put a stop to it with my kiddos. Maybe too much. I don't know. Then you you went the other way. Yeah, I went the other way, the complete opposite. But no, they're amazing and wonderful adults now.

Unlearning Emotional Rules From Childhood

SPEAKER_00 28:09

But so you let's let's talk about this the heart and mind. You created the heart and mind model after years of research and experience. So, what is the heart and mind framework and why do you feel people needed a different approach?

SPEAKER_01 28:28

Yes, so heart is an acronym that identifies five uh skills of emotional intelligence. And we can talk about each one of them, but truly it encompasses a it's a model for any individual to learn and practice social emotional skills. When I uh started, when I created the model, I wanted easy for teachers to use to teach these skills to children in classrooms. And I wanted something that would be very um concrete. Sometimes when we talk about like, oh, kids have to develop self-awareness or they have to develop self-management. Well, that's a very broad concept, and sometimes teachers have a hard time really deciding, oh, how do I teach that in the classroom? How do I select what's even important? So hard, for example, the age is honor your emotions. And each one of the letters is an action verb, so something that you have to do in order to put that skill into practice. So, in the case of honoring your emotions, as we have been discussing, is really seeing your emotions with care and respect, and to be able to understand the messages that they carry. The E stands for elect your responses, and that has to do with how you manage, how you make decisions. And what I like about that is how in our lives we can create choices for ourselves. Many times we don't see that we have choices because we have these patterns, certain ways of behaving that are very important to make us function in the world as you know, uh autonomous adults. And at the same time, they can blind us to other possibilities that are out there. The A is for apply empathy, and empathy is recognizing and being able to connect with the emotions of others, but in my model, it also includes empathy for self. So being able to apply that same care and love that you apply to others to um change the direction and also apply it towards yourself. And I have been teaching this model for years now, and I can tell you that aspect of self-compassion and self-empathy is very difficult for many, many adults because somehow we learned that we don't deserve or we are not worth of that same care and that same love. Then we moved to the R, and R um is for reignite relationships that entails all your social skills, how you are building community. And that was actually one of my tools for healing from burnout was to intentionally create community because I thought that I felt very isolated in my own struggle. I felt like I was the only one, and I needed spaces and people that I could be with in community in order to have that sense of common humanity that other people were dealing with other things. So I was able to not minimize my experience, but really having people be a source of strength and support. And then the last skill is the tea transform with purpose, and that's the it's like the cherry on top of your cake, because that's the skill that brings everything together, and that's the place where you ask the important question of, you know, what's my purpose and what's the kind of light I want to share with others? What's the contribution I want to have in this world? And if you put all of those skills together, you can really embrace uh the skills of emotional intelligence and use it both as a reflection tool, but also as a model to how you can be in the world as you are, you know, practicing and using all the tools and all the skills in your everyday life.

SPEAKER_00 32:58

I love that. It's so different from the traditional personal development or stress management advice out there. It uses all the things that every one of us should be practicing, which is connection, vulnerability, belonging. I mean, we all want to belong. And it's just like creating and building a village of people that you connect with and people that can be a positive influence in your circle, so to speak. Brings it all to that. I love it.

SPEAKER_01 33:31

Yes. And I think nowadays, with you know how things are in the world, um, one of the questions, each one of those skills has a leading question. And for relationships, one of them is how am I building a sense of community? So when I was writing uh my first book, I did a little test and I went for a week, I went out, you know, did my daily life with that question in mind. How am I building a sense of community? And I can tell you that the interactions I had with people changed because I was taking, you know, two extra minutes at the grocery store talking with the cashier, checking in, hey, how's your day? Is it busy? Right. Just do it taking a little longer to connect with people instead of just seeing our everyday life as a transaction. Right? We are in a in a in a society of consume and even relationships sometimes are experienced as a consumption instead of like as a community. So having that question, and sometimes I get, you know, back to my striving pattern, I get caught up on that, but then I I pull myself out and and I remember, oh, how am I building a sense of community? So if I go and have interactions during the day with that question in mind first, it's so much more fulfilling because I take that extra time to really see the person that I have in front of me or that I'm having a meeting with, um, instead of just the business that we are doing together. And then also it changes how I I my sense of community in the world, right? Like I feel like, oh, I'm extending that network and that um hope for people to be in community and in connection at that deeper level.

SPEAKER_00 35:36

We need it now more than

Heart And Mind Emotional Intelligence Skills

SPEAKER_00 35:38

ever. And I couldn't agree with you more. The sense of connection and belonging is not as present, I think, as it used to be. Sometimes I say people are loving the hate right now. It seems like it's a trend or something, and it just makes me so sad. But I wanted to back up just a pinch and talk about emotional intelligence. What is that really? People don't understand emotional intelligence, I don't think. I think we hear it, but what's your definition of it and what it what does it mean?

SPEAKER_01 36:12

Well, a simple way to define it is being smarter with feelings. And emotional intelligence helps us solve emotional problems, right? The same way we have mathematical intelligence to solve mathematical problems, the emotional side helps us deal with, imagine like all the interactions we have in everyday life, they can be a source of, they can be a challenge or they can be something productive and constructive. So truly, when you have the skills of emotional intelligence, you can know yourself better and have more fulfilling relationships with others because you can understand others better and and just create that bridge of connection.

SPEAKER_00 37:03

Exactly. And create the almighty purposeful pause before that reaction. Yes. It just takes a second or two to think about what you're about to do. Think before you do it. Yes. And I think the smartest, most successful people, they often struggle to recognize what they're feeling. I've heard you describe emotions as information rather than instructions. So can you talk a little bit about that for us?

SPEAKER_01 37:36

Yes. People are scared of people are scared of their emotions. And that like that's okay. Like it it is normal to be um afraid or to have a not a true understanding of what they are, because many of us were not taught when we went to school how to understand our emotions. So just want to share that because if you're listening in and you are afraid of it, just know that you are not alone, that there are many adults that are their work in progress. We are all working progress trying to improve and and learn about emotions.

SPEAKER_00 38:19

It doesn't make you weak. I mean, a lot of people see vulnerability and emotions as weakness.

unknown 38:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 38:26

I noticed that.

SPEAKER_01 38:27

Yes. So there's a there's a misconception about what emotions are. And when you see them, and we say that emotions are data because uh truly our body sends us neurotrans through the neurotransmitters all this information to our bodies about our internal experience, but also how we respond to the world around us. And if we are in different emotional states, we're gonna have different body um body signals that we can pay attention to if we want to understand our experience. So the body responds first, and then if we ignore that, then the mind comes into place, and there's a a time of interpretation of, oh, is this emotion good or bad? Right? Like our brain is really fast in identifying threat. So when things seem threatening, uh, we go in this fight, flight, or freeze response. And that's where in to nowadays, also I think because of technology, we are used to this quick reaction. And that's not always helpful in our everyday lives to have that immediate reaction to respond to the angry email or to lash out of people if they are cutting in line in front of you. Right? There are so many, the there are so many opportunities during the day to practice the pause and practice just slowing down just a little bit so you can notice what's happening internally, and then to name that. That's one of the best strategies that you can use in order to manage your feelings is actually to name, to give them, well, are you upset or are you resentful? Are you disappointed? What is it? And I often uh talk about emotions as you know, seeing an iceberg where normally the loud emotions are above the water. And these are the ones that we are conditioned to show, and they are different for men and women, right? Um, angry women, that's not something that people like to see. So women tend to show other emotions. In the case of men, anger is a very powerful emotion. So that's that's an allowable emotion for um for men to show in the workplace or in a personal life. So if we look below the water, though, that's where the almost like the real emotions live, and that's where the real work is. If you are going through a difficult situation, maybe anger is what showed up first. But looking at what's below the water, and maybe you're feeling isolated, you're feeling rejected, you're feeling ashamed, you're feeling hurt. So if you're able to see that for what it is, that's power.

SPEAKER_00 41:38

That's power. That's power. Oh, yeah. It it for sure is. I was just thinking to myself, why is it so hard for people to see their options when they're angry or or emotionally overwhelmed? I don't know. A lot of times they're just so caught up in the emotion that they don't pause, they don't take a breath, they don't think, they just act. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 42:04

Yes. What's the story that we are telling ourselves about what's happening, right? So it's the reality and then there's the interpretation. And when emotions have a cycle, so if you are experiencing emotions after a certain period of time, there is you are doing something to continue to be in that loop. So I don't know if you have been in a situation where you are upset about something. Something happened on your way home, traffic, let's say it's traffic, and you are very upset. So you get home and you continue to think about how upset you are about that driver who cut in front of you, and that was dangerous. And you continue to repeat the story, and suddenly you were frustrated and now you are angry. Now you you went up the escalator because your thoughts are making your emotion, your emotion continue to go around the loop. And part of the the work is kind of can you get yourself out of the loop by you know using many of the tools we have been discussing here? So you don't do that. So you just let that frustration go. It was a bad drive home. You know, it doesn't need to be ruin your evening because something happened. And I can tell you that happens to so many of us on a daily basis that we continue to get ourselves in the loop, even when the situations are not as important to our overall sense of happiness and life satisfaction.

SPEAKER_00 43:39

Yes, I completely agree. My husband is one of them. But I always ask him when he's getting angry at the drivers around us, I'm just like, is this a smart way to use your energy, dear? Yes. Really, let's use that energy for something good and positive in our lives and for yourself. Quit being exhausted because you're just Giving away the energy on all things that don't matter. I am a recovering people pleaser, and that's just because of the

Emotions As Data Not Instructions

SPEAKER_00 44:07

way I grew up. I come to find that out through therapy. But people do that for a lot of different reasons. And one of the topics you speak on is self-compassion. Why is it often easier to offer kindness and grace to others than to ourselves? It feels very vulnerable.

SPEAKER_01 44:32

To sit in a space where you're struggling and offering those kind words or understanding, there is a part of us that doesn't believe we are worth that love and that kindness because it makes us feel vulnerable.

SPEAKER_00 44:56

Yes, I can relate to that completely. It is accurate. How do we know the difference between self-compassion and simply letting ourselves off the hook? Yes.

SPEAKER_01 45:11

So self-compassion truly has like three elements, but one that I think is relevant for the conversation is um knowing that you are suffering in that moment. So you are not brushing off what's happening to you, you are just acknowledging that you are going through something difficult. It doesn't have to be more difficult than your neighbor or your spouse, people in your community. It's just your experience. And naming that that's difficult, it opens the door to have that sense of common humanity and to know, well, there are also other people struggling. I'm not the only one. But not because you are gonna invalidate your experience, but because you can feel in community and knowing that it is part of being human, we are gonna go through something difficult. And that space, when we are able to sit with that space, it really releases a lot of the, I would say, internal stress that we carry on a regular basis. Because instead of forcing us to push through something difficult, just naming and saying, wow, this this today was hard. Or this situation is very hard right now. And just taking that moment to name that for yourself, right? And uh Kristen Neff, who has done a lot of work in this area, talks about compassionate touch. So when you are feeling that you can um, you know, maybe put your hand on your heart or maybe like touch your hand in a way that feels comforting to you. And that will change, that will soothe your nervous system and help you be in a place where you can feel more grounded when you don't feel as overwhelmed by your emotions. And then you can do something about to take care of yourself. And then the the suffering will will not go away, um, but it it will diminish some of the pain because you are taking that time and that moment to pause and recognize that that's happening to you. And it's it's okay to do that for yourself.

SPEAKER_00 47:44

Yes, it definitely is. I had a therapist once that would try to teach me this exercise of finding one place on my body that was not in pain. I would say, well, it's my knee. Just touch your knee and just take comfort in knowing that it's okay. It's not hurting in any way. But it was just an exercise. And to this day, I'll touch my knee whenever I get stressed or anxious.

SPEAKER_02 48:11

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 48:12

It really helps a lot. But many of us become experts at caring for everyone else while quietly abandoning ourselves. How do we know when we're serving others from purpose versus serving others at our own expense?

SPEAKER_01 48:28

Yes. You have to put yourself in the circle of care. So if you um have a purpose and your purpose is, you know, helping um you know, helping children grow in healthy ways, you have to include that for yourself. So that same sense of purpose, um, it's for you too. So in in the book, when I talk about purpose, I talk about how purpose is not different than is not outside of you. Purpose is you as well. And that means that when you are out there in the world doing good, you have to include yourself in that circle of care. And it's a different perspective. It might feel a little bit forced at first, but if you engage this as a practice, you start seeing the places where you have compromised your well-being. And you start seeing it's kind of like cleaning your glasses, and suddenly you see clearly all the ways in which it is okay to do all these things for others, but you have to take that time to do it for yourself. And it might require some negotiation at first with your family if you are setting up different boundaries. But in the long term, those conversations and those um negotiations will benefit your uh your well-being in the long term because you are asking for what you need, which is difficult but possible. One of the things that I like about this type of work is that all of these skills are learnable. At any point in your life, you can learn something new. It's not a destination. We are all working on all of these things at the same time. And yet there's so much hope because when you see something different, when there's a little bit of awareness, there's a space for change and growth. And that's a beautiful thing. So start where you are in terms of what's what's important to you in terms of you know caring for yourself. I know uh for me, exercise um is very important. I need to move my body to clear my mind, uh, to kick the demons away and all those things. So that I've made that a priority. And I know that first thing in the morning, that's that's what I need to do for myself because then I'm a better person, I'm a better mom, I'm a better spouse, I can be holding space for others the ways I need to. But I know that that's uh it's almost like a non-negotiable. So it's almost like you have to make your list of what are the non-negotiables in your life. And there are maybe it's certain things that you are like, well, I don't need that every day. I can, you know, maybe I need to go out by myself, you know, and and do something nice maybe once in a while. But it's like I I'm a big believer of like what are the daily habits that you have that make you feel good about your body, in your relationships, in your life. And when you cultivate those, um, things just the the challenges are will continue to be challenges, but you'll have so much more resilience and um and optimism to address and and face them.

SPEAKER_00 51:58

Yes. And I want to expand a little more on the boundaries. That is probably one of the most difficult transformations for me. I mean, it took me the longest to learn how to put boundaries in place. But once I started doing it, I realized, wow, this really helps. And I didn't have to have the guilt. I felt like it was selfish. Why do you think boundaries feel so difficult for so many people? And what role does it have in uh what role does it play in preventing burnout?

SPEAKER_01 52:31

Yes, uh you mentioned it, guilt. Yeah, people feel guilty because they are taking space. And there's it might mean something different for everybody, but underneath that it may be like, oh, I don't deserve there might be an assumption that I don't deserve to take space.

SPEAKER_00 52:55

You know, for someone listening who knows they need better boundaries and they struggle to follow through with that, where would you suggest they start?

SPEAKER_01 53:09

Start with something that feels doable, something where you think you can have success and just follow through. I I feel like with boundaries, the the hardest part is the negotiation, is how you are because that's a change for people around you when you say, I'm not gonna take that anymore, like up to this point, and no more. So having that negotiation may feel hard, but if you follow through and you stay strong, you start creating more space for yourself, which means that that energy is gonna be there for you to do something else, something that feels meaningful and replenishing to you. And there are, I think that setting up emotional boundaries is such an important aspect of having healthy and happy relationships, especially when you have people around you that are maybe draining your energy or they are not bringing the kind of um positivity that we all need in our lives. And we all have, you know, people in our lives that are draining that way.

unknown 54:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 54:28

And it's like, can you negotiate the time that you have to spend with those persons? And you can do it with care. None of this needs to be done in a hard uh confrontational way. It can be done with love and say, you know, I love you very much, but I I am not able to engage in this conversation right now because I um um I need to preserve my energy today and just leave it at that, right? Like I think that sometimes less is more in terms of what kind of explanation we are giving to others when we are protecting our own energy.

SPEAKER_00 55:05

Oh my goodness. There's so much truth in that. A lot of people are afraid of confrontation. It's not so much what you're saying, it's how you're saying it. Do it with kindness, and and you'll get a lot further.

Self-Compassion Boundaries And Daily Habits

SPEAKER_02 55:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 55:17

I wanted to talk a little bit about how you talk on creativity as a bridge to healing. Can you tell me more about that? Yes.

SPEAKER_01 55:28

So creativity can be a place for to find, I would say, endless amounts of joy. And one of the exercises in the book that I propose people to do is to think about their childhood and the things that they did where time was gone. Like they lost track of time, they could do that activity without knowing what day of the week or what time it was. And bringing some of that to their life. So maybe that activity is no longer possible, but just taking a moment to reconnect with that sense of playfulness and enjoyment is something that as adults, we can still bring to our life. So something that really resonates and that makes us feel alive in a way. And and like little kids, there's something so beautiful about feeling like you still have that in you, right? That we can you can reconnect with that sense of being a kid. Um so in many, I believe that all of us are creative individuals and creative, and maybe you don't you don't have a specific thing that you believe you are creative in that space. And yet there are so many ways to be creative, and an easy way to bring it into your life is to think about it as playfulness. How can you bring more playfulness into your life? And that can mean in anything, like in your cooking, maybe you want to be more adventurous in your drive home. You maybe take a different route in any way that you can bring a little more uh lightness to what you do. That's a way to bring an easy way to bring creativity. And of course, if you have the time and you want to engage, doing something that you do without uh being worried about the outcome, just the process, something that the process will bring uh joy for you.

SPEAKER_00 57:33

Yes, I was gonna say lighthearted, definitely, definitely. Your new book is called Living with the Heart in Mind: A Practical Guide to Healing from Burnout and Cultivating Purpose. If someone picked up the book tonight, what's one tool or exercise they could begin using immediately?

SPEAKER_01 57:54

Well, I would say all of them. And there's there are like 30 plus tools in the book, uh, and they are all very practical. But one that is um at the very beginning, since we spent quite a bit of time talking about emotions, is the emotion iceberg. And I love that exercise because you can take a situation that you had recently that didn't go as planned. You it doesn't have to be like the worst conflict you had in your life. You can also, it can be mild, but just something that didn't go as planned. And then go through the prompts trying to see, you know, how you felt in the situation, what were you really feeling, and trying to tease out what were those emotions, trying to uh name what you felt in that situation. I feel like if you can do that on a regular basis, um many situations can feel so much easier because you have also all this vocabulary to name your feelings. So you can understand what you're experiencing and it just makes things better.

SPEAKER_00 59:07

Well, and referencing it, you've named it, and it also gives you something to do in that almighty pause. Yes. You mentioned uh sharing a self-assessment with the listeners. Can you tell us about that?

SPEAKER_01 59:18

Yes, that's uh like a favorite thing that I created to go along with the book is completely free. And it's assessment that goes through kind of the three parts of the book, the hard skills that we just talked about. Um the habits, healthy habits in your life related to mindfulness, physical well-being, and belonging. And then what I call vital qualities, which are curiosity, creativity, and inner wisdom. So when you take the self-assessment, it's almost like you take a trip down the path of living with the heart in mind, and you just get a little snapshot of how you are living today, what what's happening. And it's fun because you get an email with your results and you can see for those three categories how you are doing, and then it gives you just a little sense of like, oh, maybe there's something here that I want to highlight as a strength. Maybe one of the questions felt very true to you, and you can pull on that to help you develop maybe areas that you want to develop and grow and strengthen your life.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:28

Oh, I love it. I love it. And remember, everybody, it's free. Why not? Just give it a try, see what you come up with. So if someone listening today feels like they've lost themselves somewhere along the way, what's the next right step for them? I would say grab a copy of the book and just start there. I would highly advise that as well. All of it makes sense and it's not that difficult once you're made aware of what you need to start doing, you can start doing it. Yes. Where can listeners find you, connect with you, learn more about the book, and access this wonderful self-assessment?

SPEAKER_01 1:01:09

Yes, they can go to my website, uh laureamartinez.com, and they can find all the information there. I'd be really happy to have them take the assessment and then let me know how it goes for them. I always love to hear from listeners and readers. So that's uh the great part of being an author that you'll when we get to hear from the audience, it makes us know that the work that we put out in the world that is being used. And that's the the greatest uh way to know that we are leaving our purpose.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:44

Yes, and it's fuel, literally, for more writings.

Creativity Tools Assessment And Closing

SPEAKER_00 1:01:47

Before we go, remember this. This is what I've learned today. Burnout doesn't always arrive with flashing warning signs. Sometimes it looks like success. Sometimes it looks like responsibility, and sometimes it looks like carrying so much for so long that you've forgotten what it feels like to simply be yourself. If you saw yourself or someone you know in this conversation today, don't ignore it. Awareness isn't the finish line, it's the beginning because awareness creates the pause. And the pause gives us the opportunity to choose something different before the reaction. You don't have to figure it all out alone. One of the things I love most about this podcast is the incredible experts, authors, coaches, researchers, and thought leaders who continue to share their wisdom here. Be sure to check the show notes, okay? So you'll find links to connect directly with Dr. Lorea, access her book, and explore the resources she shared, including that self-assessment. You can also subscribe to my behind the mic newsletter. You could grow a lot from them. Because sometimes the right conversation or the right resource arrives exactly when you need it. Visit me at delaythebench.com to see all the ways I can help bring this message to you or someone you know. Until next time, pause before the reaction, choose with intention, build momentum, and finish stronger than you started. See y'all next week. Thanks, Dr. Loraya. Appreciate you so much. Thank you for having me. Hey, it's me, Pam. And before we go, just a quick reminder: everything we share here is meant to encourage, educate, and get you thinking. But it's not a substitute for professional mental health, medical, legal, financial, or any other licensed advice. I'm simply someone who's walking through life, learning right alongside you. And I'm grateful we get to learn together. Always seek the guidance of a qualified professional for your unique situation. Thanks for spending this time with us. Until next time, remember sometimes the biggest change begins with one small pause. I'll see you on the next episode of Delay the Binge.