From Crisis To Strategy: Building A Relationship You Can Maintain | Dr. Robin Buckley PhD

We explore how to design relationships with the same intention we bring to work, replacing guesswork with clear structure, shared goals, and compassionate language. Dr Robin Buckley shares practical ways to calm reactivity, build connection, and create sustainable habits that last.

• maintenance mindset for relationships
• business tools applied to love
• amygdala vs frontal lobe in conflict
• we/us language to boost connection
• monthly SWOT across key domains
• therapy for trauma, coaching for growth
• small steps over quick fixes
• chores by strengths for clarity
• five to ten minute daily check‑ins
• listening as a skill, better questions
• evolve forward, do not “go back”
• parenting adults through mentorship

If you'd like early access to episodes before they go live each Thursday you can join the email list at delaythebinge.com

To explore Dr. Robin Buckley’s approach to relationships, leadership, and intentional growth, visit https://drrobinbuckley.com

Transcript

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Why We Numb And How To Pause

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Welcome to the Delay the Binge Podcast. I'm your host, Pam Dwyer, and this podcast is about understanding the deeper why beneath our habits, not just around food or substances, but the ways we numb, distract, and override ourselves in everyday life. Delay the binge is about slowing things down just enough to make a different choice. It's about the pause, the moment where awareness turns into intention, and small shifts start to change everything. If you've ever felt stuck in patterns you understand but still repeat, you're in the right place. Let's get started.

Meet Dr. Robin Buckley

SPEAKER_02 0:48

Today I'm joined by Dr. Robin Buckley, a clinical psychologist, executive coach, and an author who helps people approach relationships with the same intention and strategy they bring to their work. Robin, I'd love to start by letting you tell us a bit about who you are and the work you're most passionate about right now.

SPEAKER_00 1:10

Oh, Pam, that's a loaded question. So I, as you noted, I have a background in psychology, which I just love and have always enjoyed helping people and really trying to help them find really what they want in their lives. So switching to coaching made a lot of sense because it's very proactive, it's very preventative in nature. And my work grew into couples work that is different than couples therapy because a lot of people are afraid of it or it's too intense. And the coaching model works really well for people who really just want to focus on where are we and where do we want to get to? And I get that. And so the book really offers that perspective in a very concrete and applied way.

SPEAKER_02 1:59

I love it so much. And my husband and I have been married for 30 years, but we still, we still go to therapy every now and then. It really helps just to stay fresh that way.

Maintenance Mindset For Relationships

SPEAKER_00 2:09

Yeah. Well, I I usually tell people and clients, you know, if you identify as a woman, you see your gynecologist every year. You most people go to their dentist twice a year. They we bring our cars in for maintenance, we bring our pets to the vet once a year, just to make sure things are still on track and catch anything before it really derails our health. And yet, so few couples have that approach with their relationship. They either ignore the problems or they wait until the problems are at a crisis level. And then we're not talking about maintenance, we're talking about repair, and that's harder. So I applaud, and that's awesome.

SPEAKER_02 2:46

Well, I remember my granny specifically when I told her I was getting married, she says, Pamela, that's going to be the hardest job you'll ever have. You got to work at it.

SPEAKER_00 2:55

Yeah, and I I would I respectfully would disagree with your grandmother that it doesn't have to be hard. It has to be, you have to be diligent. It's diligence, dedication, attention, nurturment, and then strategy. And then it doesn't have to be hard because they work really hard with people to make sure that they tell their brains the things that they want their brains to pay attention to. And when we say, oh relationships or marriage is such hard work, our brain believes us. And then it's like, oh, this is hard work. Instead of, I'm going to be diligent about this. I'm going to focus on this every day. It's going to be my goal to support the relationship and grow with my partner. Your grandmother had the right idea. I just like to change the words so your brain is really ready for what it actually could be.

SPEAKER_02 3:45

Oh, and I love that correction so much because it hasn't really been hard at all. I mean, we're still very close and but we do work at it.

SPEAKER_00 3:53

So great. Absolutely.

Strategy Over “Hard Work”

SPEAKER_00 3:55

Yeah, like anything else in our life that we want to be successful, we work at it, whether it's our garden, whether it's our career, we put time and dedication to it so that it can be as as successful as possible. And the idea that people get into relationships and they just wing it or they hope for the best. And I'm like, really? Really? Like, you're just gonna hope that it works out. We don't do that with the other things in our life that we really want to work, but our relationships have a whole different approach. And I I would love to get people beyond that societal uh myth.

SPEAKER_02 4:30

Well, and I do love that you talk about approaching relationships with intention. Um so even borrowing uh the frameworks from the business world, I really like that. So, what shifts when people stop hoping things improve and start designing how they want to relate, how do they what what changes when they start hoping things improve and start designing, you know, how they want to relate?

SPEAKER_00 4:59

Well, I think one of the first things that happens, and I love that question. I don't think everybody's ever asked me that, is that it it actually makes them feel like there is something they can actually do. They have functional control, not tightly held strangling control, but oh, I can actually do something to make this work instead of I don't know, I we'll see if things work out. They actually can start to have a plan. Once they

Business Frameworks For Love

SPEAKER_00 5:24

have a plan, or in creating the plan, it enhances the communication, it enhances the connection. So the plan becomes the goal, but in the process of creating the plan, it enhances the relationship almost as part of the process. So it it it shifts this idea that there's nothing we can do about it. People are just who they are and that's it, to know we're a team and we can do this together. Our relationship becomes a project, just like at work, that we want to have successful outcomes for. And the idea of the business framework is because, as you and I both know, Pam, relationships, there's a lot of emotion involved. And that's wonderful until there are emotions that detract from the relationship and undermine it. Use business terminology, it helps us to tap into our that objective part of our brain. And and really, you know, instead of, oh, we have all these problems, it's no, we have some pain points. And it's different. Our brain registers it as different. It it goes more to our frontal lobe, which is the logical part of our brain rather than the amygdala, which is the fear-based reactive part of our brain.

Frontal Lobe vs Amygdala

SPEAKER_02 6:39

I love that so much. We we talk a lot about that on the show about the brain. And I'm just so I'm researching it a lot because the frontal cortex versus the lower brain chatter, you know, is very important in delay the binge because of the pause, giving your frontal cortex time to get back online instead of listening to the fight or flight, or just ignoring or numbing out your emotions and not addressing it at all.

SPEAKER_00 7:05

Yeah, that you you're absolutely one of my I love teaching my clients about the neuroscience that it helps their relationship. And they try and keep it quick so it doesn't bore them, but it it is so true that when our our lower part of our brain, especially our mental is involved, we are fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And those are going to be our four reactions, none of which are beneficial to our relationship. When we can actually get our frontal lobe into the conversation, that's when everything truly changes. It's it's almost magical. But the magic is that you know what strategies you can use so that your frontal lobe does become part of a conversation because otherwise your amygdala will run the conversation like a toddler on caffeine, and that is not going to help anything.

SPEAKER_02 7:56

And short term.

SPEAKER_00 7:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:57

Oh, yeah. You know, I I've just recently realized that, you know, it's a quick fix sort of thing, but it's not long term. No, absolutely true. Now, so a lot of times I know personally, um, when I realize that there's a pattern that's not healthy or doesn't serve me well, sometimes I can get pretty self-critical, you know, like, so how do we do that without turning the awareness into self-criticism?

From Self‑Critique To Team Language

SPEAKER_00 8:26

Yeah, I think that my experience has been when couples allow it to be a conversation about the we, the us, the partnership. So I talk a lot about different strategies in the book of what couples can do borrowing from business. And one of them, there's four types of check-ins I encourage for couples. And one of them is a monthly check-in, just like, you know, once a month you check in with your team at work to see how all the projects are going and, you know, where where everybody fits in. And in those meetings, I also encourage couples to do a SWOT analysis. So SWOT from business is strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. So they look at every area of their relationship from finances to sex to internal or external stakeholders, which are the dependents in your life, and they do, they apply a SWOT analysis. But the SWOT analysis is about them, is about if it was me, it was about us. What did we do? What did we do really well this month that enhanced our financial goals? Okay, and then what were some things that we could have done better? They were the weaknesses or the challenges. It is never you or me, it is us together. Because again, that triggers your brain to realize we are the team. And it actually boosts the oxytocin, which is our connection hormone. When our brain hears we or us, oxytocin goes up. When it hears me or I, oxytocin goes down. It's it is as simple as that.

SPEAKER_02 10:01

That's incredible, and I love that. So real so you're saying is real change. Well, in order to accomplish real change, we talk a lot about it's the plus one theory, which is something I've named from my childhood.

Small Steps Beat Quick Fixes

SPEAKER_02 10:16

But um the plus one theory is taking small uh incremental steps towards a goal and just applying yourself a little bit more just to look outside of yourself for a moment and um look at the we or the us in small steps, though, because I I don't know. Sometimes people I think try to accomplish this all in one day.

unknown 10:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:42

I I had a client and she was uh she was a potential client. She's like, I read your book, so I want to work with you. My husband and I are doing all of it. And I'm like, when did you read the book? She's like, last week, and I'm like, and now you're doing all of it. That's amazing and terrifying to me. Like, how about how about we just start with one thing at a time and we slowly build in the steps so that it becomes one, it's not overwhelming, and two, it's sustainable. Because that's what we're really looking for, something that lasts for the longevity of the relationship rather than, as you mentioned right from the beginning, a quick fix. Quick fixes are not what couples are really looking for, but it is often what they go to.

SPEAKER_02 11:24

Well, and I am curious too, how do you feel about the mindset of people thinking that they have to start over?

Don’t Go Backward, Evolve Forward

SPEAKER_02 11:33

Can't they just pick up off where they left off, where the issues started? I mean, is it better to do it in that way?

SPEAKER_00 11:40

My perspective, Pam, is that when couples say, we want to get back to where we were, I'm like, well, that's I'm not gonna help you with that. You can't go backwards. And why would you want to go backwards? Why would you want to be a past version of yourself or of your relationship? Your relationship has evolved through the good and the bad. And so we're gonna start by creating where the relationship is right now and using our past to help educate or or direct the future, but not to go back to that last point. But on the flip side, I will also say I encourage couples not to always reinvent the wheel. So, oh, we're gonna try this whole new approach. Like, okay, how about we look at what was really successful in the past? What were the things that we used to do that really helped the relationship? And then we can implement those again towards the evolution of the relationship. Because sometimes there are great strategies or things that we did when we were first together in a relationship that over time people forget to do. You know, whether it's small things like leaving a note every once in a while, reminding your partner how much you appreciate them or going on date nights. It's okay to look backwards from that to pull strategies that were working to reapply them, but we're not going to go backwards. We're always going to be looking forwards.

SPEAKER_02 13:01

Well, and just it brings a lot of clarity, right? Then they can then they can address all the issues if they

Therapy For Trauma, Coaching For Growth

SPEAKER_02 13:06

just step back and take a look.

SPEAKER_00 13:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 13:08

You know, instead of look going way back in the past.

SPEAKER_00 13:10

Oh my god. I think that's the challenge with some therapeutic approaches, certainly not all, is that couples become afraid because in therapy there will do be a deep dive into the past and it'll be this emotional turmoil instead of saying, hey, we can't change the past. I mean, maybe there were some really crappy things, but we can't change those. What we can do is make a decision of what we want right now and what we want in the future and move forward from there. So I am certainly not saying things should not be, you know, looked at if they were significantly detrimental to the relationship. And that's where I think therapy is really important in those issues that have not been resolved. And I think they fall into a couple categories: adultery, addiction, abuse, um, loss of someone really significant that affected the relationship. Those are therapeutic issues that are important to address. But that's why I love coaching because a lot of my clients will start with therapy and then they come to coaching when they've resolved those traumatic issues and now they're ready to move forward because the healing has happened.

SPEAKER_02 14:19

Right. The traumatic issues. I mean, in my book, uh, I talk about my childhood for a little bit, and it was quite dysfunctional and very abusive. It was horrible. And so it did impact me personally, you know, as a person for a long time until I started going to therapy, you know, and and they taught me how to cope with everything going on. But what I didn't do is I tried to to ignore it, to num, you know, not think about it. Yeah. But what happened is I started binging on things like overworking, over pleasing food, which is the whole reason I've created my program, delay the binge, because it's not just about food, right? We're doing whatever we have to do to ignore what we're really feeling. And I just I don't know, I think sometimes in a relationship, the they're

Avoidance, Shame, And Proactive Choice

SPEAKER_02 15:14

not sure or clear on their role, right, in a relationship. And so then you start blaming yourself or even having shame or fear and all those things that can get in the way, and then you just don't even address it at all.

SPEAKER_00 15:29

Right. It is. It's I never judge when people say that they're trying to ignore things or psychological avoidance or any of that. That's human nature. That's the amygdala saying, oh my God, don't we don't want to deal with this. It's too hard, it's uncomfortable, it feels a little dangerous. Danger, danger. Exactly. That's that is your brain, your one part of your brain trying to take care of you. So it's how can we get to the point where that becomes part of our self-knowledge, self-awareness, but it doesn't define who we are and it does not, it does not get to have a third, third role in the relationship. And that's that's why therapy is oh my, oh my gosh. When couples call and they I'll ask about their background, and if those those issues come up, I'm like, I have some great therapists I can refer you to and absolutely come back and work with me because I want there to be clear lines between the work that people are doing around trauma and then the work they're doing that is really that proactive future forward approach.

SPEAKER_02 16:31

Yes, proactive instead of reactive. Yes. That's what every I've probably taken a total of eight years of counseling. So every therapist I've ever had, they always say, they always try to get me to be more proactive, you know, instead of reactive.

SPEAKER_00 16:47

And it's hard. I mean, and this is for whether we're talking about relationships or anything. It's it's what, and I think it's important, again, very similar to business.

Parenting Adults And Goal Alignment

SPEAKER_00 16:55

What's our ultimate goal? And oh my gosh, Pam, I could talk about a conversation I had. We have a our we have four kids between us, and our 20-year-old, who's our youngest, is moved home for the year before she transfers to a different college. And she came to tell me about a situation last night, and I'm grateful that she at 20 wants to tell me about things and talk to me and get my perspective. But the thing she was telling me about, which is she's going to this event that I think is sketchy. I think there's something, something doesn't sound right about this event. There's red flags going off, and she is a smart, very street smart girl. But she's 20. She doesn't have life experience. And my reaction was to be like, you shouldn't go, you can't go, don't think. But my goal is that she always comes to me. And that was the the the super ordinate goal for me. So I listened and I sat and I bit my tongue and I asked questions to help her think and influence and not to tell her what I'd really rather, which is please just stay home, but to get her to just have some perspective. And I I don't know what her decision will be, but the goal is that she's continues to talk to me. So that's what guided my actions, and that's what we're talking about. It would have been very easy for me to be reactive. It was everything in me wanted to be reactive. But I went with the proactive choice of good or bad, she'll come home and she'll she'll tell me about the event. And that's more important.

SPEAKER_02 18:24

Yes, raising adult, I mean, being a parent to an adult is very it's harder than I ever thought it would be. Agreed. I mean, you can't tell them what to do anymore. You know, you can just wait for them to ask for your advice, which will never happen.

SPEAKER_00 18:39

Yeah, and it's allowing yourself to now move to the role of mentor versus parent. And you've been a parent for, you know, 18, 20 years, it's it's a hard shift. But it's really important. And then the one question that your statement triggered for me is I suggest to all parents, and actually this works in relationships too. The first question asks, do

Listening As A Skill

SPEAKER_00 19:01

you just want event or do you want advice? Do you want me to listen or do you want advice? And that sets the whole tone of how to move forward. And all of a sudden they say, Yeah, I want advice, and then you're given advice, and then they're like, No, I didn't want that. Okay. So again, do you want me to listen or do you want advice? Okay, then we can go from there. But it's that str it's that SOP around the conversation that helps.

SPEAKER_02 19:24

Yes, I'm reading a book right now about listening as a skill because I think young, we teach our children how to pay attention, but we really don't teach them how to truly listen to someone else. How would you define the difference? Paying attention means they're listening to what the the rules are, what they should do and what they should not do. Listening is um really tuning into what the other person is saying, like asking questions, saying, Oh, really? Well, tell me more. Tell me more has just been key. my grandsons. They're 11, they're twins, but they they will not listen for anything. But when I really give them my full attention and ask them to tell me more, then they're like, oh, she wants me to talk because they feel like they don't have a voice, you know, young people.

SPEAKER_01 20:19

Yeah. Very true. Very true.

SPEAKER_02 20:21

Love that.

Lessons From Failure And Resilience

SPEAKER_02 20:22

So when um can I ask you a uh was there ever a moment um personally or professionally when your framework really clicked for you? I mean when did it all come together for you?

SPEAKER_00 20:36

Yeah, that's a great question.

unknown 20:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:38

You know, the irony is that I I do the work and I wrote a book around making relationships successful. And the ironic part is I've been divorced twice. And I love acknowledging that. And I actually appreciate that I'm coming from that perspective of learning from a lesson that didn't or two lessons that did not go the way that I thought and growing from that and building strength. And a lot of times when clients challenge it, I will remind them that, you know, a lot of us have Apple products in our house, but Steve Jobs wasn't successful in every single project he did. If we just see the successes, we get to benefit from the successes. And if you follow sports, our favorite coaches do not always have successes, but their failures, their challenges help them grow better as coaches. And to me, that's kind of where I am that yeah, I've had two failed marriages. I learned I I learned the hard way and I'm hoping that some of my experience can help clients and and this framework can. So it really came together when I was I did a lot of work with um like female executives and female leaders. And these women were amazing fans. They could organize teams and deal with conflict and negotiate and do all this like amazing stuff. And then they'd tell me about their relationships at home and I'd be like well you're having this conflict with your spouse why don't

Housing Emotion Inside Structure

SPEAKER_00 22:05

you just do what you did in the boardroom? They're like, oh Robin that's different. No, no, no, no, that's different. I'm like it's not different. So the more I crafted it and talked to them about just taking these strengths from one environment and applying it to the personal environment, it started to make so much sense for me in creating this framework around okay, what terms can we use? What concepts can we pull? What strategies to create a different approach to relationships that isn't based on the rom-com model where a lot of people have it in their heads like that's how relationships go.

SPEAKER_01 22:39

And I'm like, no.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

So it it it really was fun to all of a sudden see it solidified. And then my clients started saying you know Robin we just wish it was all in one place. I'm like I'll write a book.

SPEAKER_02 22:50

So that's where it goes I'm so glad you did. It's helping a lot of people I'm sure um I do I love that philosophy a lot about strategy and well I I don't know my mantra is your past doesn't define you it prepares you. So you know taking that pain and and using it for purpose but also learning from my mistakes from my failures and then using that. Yes. Because my big deal was just feeling bad that it all even happened, you know, hating that it happened but I learned how to appreciate it because it brought brought me to where I'm at now, you know?

SPEAKER_00 23:33

Exactly. That's and that's my idea when I you know talk about the divorce of the divorces that I've been through like but without them I wouldn't be who I am I and I would not have I don't I don't think I would have as strong of a marriage now that I'm in. And then it helped create the framework and helped just change that. So I I agree and and Nelson Mandela's quote is on my wall um it's my favorite it says I never lose I either win or learn and I love that I love I

Two First Steps: Chores And Check‑Ins

SPEAKER_00 24:03

live by that because it's like yeah yeah and even that story I told you about my daughter she will either win and have a very fun time tonight or she'll learn and that that is how we grow. That's how we evolve.

SPEAKER_02 24:15

I know I've always thought oh it's so hard to teach your child that fire is hot. The only way they're gonna remember or learn is if they burn their hand.

SPEAKER_00 24:24

I mean why does it have to be so hard for a lot of people I I think all humans that unfortunately we do learn from our failures and our pain faster and sometimes with more longevity than our successes. And I wish it was rehearsed. I I really do wish like our our successes were equally as instructive but I haven't witnessed that I think they are but when you feel some kind of discomfort pain or failure that if you approach it with okay what am I getting out of this then that can be so powerful.

SPEAKER_02 25:00

Yeah it's just so healthy and it makes you stronger so when people um are when they're emotionally charged you know in a in a negative way like the example I can give you is my team and I with my company we'll go into a business and we will assess their entire uh fun how they function, what they do. But every single time we cannot move forward with the marketing you know why? Because there's so much emotional uh drama in the office that we can't even get through that wall. So we have to address that first. So I love that you you know combine business and emotions you know that that does matter and it can get in the way if you're not if you don't address it, right?

SPEAKER_00 25:55

What one of the biggest critiques I have around my framework and the book is that you know when people first hear about it, it's like Robin that's too robotic or it's it's clinical, it's too cold. It takes all the emotion out of relationships. And my argument my debate back is it actually doesn't take the relate the emotion out of relationship. It provides a safe place for the emotion. It provides a structure that houses the emotion so the emotion can be good and and have positive benefits on the relationship. And the I the structure ideally contains some of the negative emotions that can derail it. And I am certainly not saying people have to walk around in a land of unicorns and rainbows like sometimes negative emotion happens but I always say you can have a negative emotion for as long as you want it. It's a choice. Emotions are dictated by our thoughts and once we accept that and acknowledge it then we know how to change our emotion when we want to change it because we can change our thoughts our emotions are just the byproduct of our thoughts. So when we don't want to feel something or if we say wow me being bitter towards my significant other is really not supporting the relationship. Okay, I know how to change it because I know how to change my thoughts. That's where the power is Pam I mean that's that's incredible to me that we can

Where To Find Robin And What’s Next

SPEAKER_00 27:15

say hey I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to have this perception and this reaction to my spouse. So where is it starting and what can I do to actively change it?

SPEAKER_02 27:28

Well it which brings me to the the one question that um a lot of my listeners wanted to know from you um for someone listening for them for the listeners now um they want if they want healthier more intentional relationships but they don't know where to begin what's the first small step that you would have them take some of it is dependent on the couple the I'll give you two.

SPEAKER_00 27:55

The first one is very practical very concrete when I work with couples who are in almost every couple I work with says communication's a problem. It's one of the one of the most common ones as you probably know too and what I will suggest is that they start by assigning chores which sounds ridiculously simple and almost silly but the idea of assigning chores and to be clear this isn't a dictatorship. This isn't you're gonna do this and then I'll take one stop. That's not that it's sitting down with your partner and saying okay here are the things that are important to accomplish to make our household run. And you have a conversation of what are the things both of you are good at. Well I, you know, in my relationship my husband's the CFO of our relationship he's good with numbers he likes playing with numbers he should have been a financial advisor in a past life but I don't I can do it I just don't prefer to do it. And it's not so he manages it. He does not have final oversight but he just keeps kind of that he he he has the oversight that then he presents to me in our monthly meetings. I am really into nutrition and health so I take care of all our meal planning and our grocery shopping and all that because that is a really health is a

Closing Reflections And Gentle CTA

SPEAKER_00 29:09

really significant value in my life. So I make sure it's a significant value for all my people in my house and he's fine with that because he doesn't want to look really deal with any of that. So we look at the things from our strength perspective and then it becomes all right what are we more skilled at? My husband can grow anything from any little bud and if I look at a plant it dies. So he does all the landscaping and manages the landscaping. And then of course there's going to be things that neither wants to do um one of my couples uh have a cat and neither likes to change the lure box. So they split it that he takes two weeks she he takes the first two weeks of the month she takes the last two weeks but everything is organized so there's no fights about it in the meantime because everybody knows their role and in the process of assigning chores they're communicating they're discussing their preferences they're discussing their strengths they're appreciating hey you're much better with with money do you mind you know being the one that has that oversight that's a great starting point and it's safer than some of the emotional vulnerability that eventually they get to but to start off with that is really scary. But assigning chores we can talk about that without a lot of debate usually so that's one great place. But for couples who might not be completely shut down with communication and it's just not as fluid as they want it to be I really recommend the daily check-in. So we talked earlier Pam that I there's four check-ins I recommend and the daily check-in is essential before they really do a lot of other things and all that is is five to 10 minutes, no distractions so no kids, no phones, nothing like that. And they just sit together ideally face to face if at all possible and they have a conversation that is better than or more effective than how was your day? Fine. How was your day good that's not connecting or hey remember this weekend the plumber's coming that's not connecting these are authentic conversations so I suggest to couples they could each come in with at least one question that is a deeper level. So I found some silly ones online the other day um and they can be silly. So I asked my husband so if I went missing for 24 hours where's the first place you'd look for me and he thought about he's like your sister's house and he yes and he know and I felt so slim because he knew that like my sister would be my goat. If it's not him it's my sister. And it just was like a silly little thing but there was a connection I knew he knew me to know that would be the place I'd go to and then I had asked him um to retell a story from his childhood that I've heard him tell a hundred times but I love his face when he talks about it because he smiles. So and it could also be you know what's the one thing that you really felt proud about today or what's the one thing that you were challenged by today. It can be stuff related to your day-to-day lives but it's a different level than how are you? That's what we ask the cashier and then we don't even listen to their answer and we don't want that with our I mean it'd be nice if we didn't do that to the cashier either but we don't want that with our spouse. So either assigning chores or the daily check-in five to 10 minutes and when couples tell me Robin we don't have time for that that is where yeah that's my I have to keep the neutral face but I'm like oh that's a bigger problem if you can't commit five minutes to just be there with your partner there are bigger issues.

SPEAKER_02 32:32

And to see them yes I mean like you said to genuinely actually see and hear them. And what did you say earlier? Listen. Listening yes yes um so where can people learn more about you and your work and your books I think you've written three correct I have three I actually have four and I don't talk because it's a boring research book.

SPEAKER_00 32:58

So that one um but yeah everything they can find about me is on my website drroppenbuckley.com I'm also on I think almost every social media platform except for X just not the one I choose to be on but they can find me by the same moniker um and then in 2026 Pam I get to step into your shoes and I'm gonna be starting at least one if not two podcasts. We need that. Yeah one is going to be related to the book and and really just offering relationship support and help almost like a talk show where it's just um either live or sent in questions. And the second one is my passion project and you asked me originally what's my passion and I said there's two one is working with couples but the other is supporting the next generation of women and it's something I did in a book I wrote it's something that I touch on in my TED talk. But this podcast is called That's What She Said and it's going to be bringing in women over 50 to offer mentorship help advice to so I say Gen X plus women to Gen Z women. And I'm so excited about it.

SPEAKER_02 34:04

Oh my gosh I would I am too because mentoring I'm I'm a retired youth minister and so mentoring it means the world to me and I still do you know a lot of things to help you know high school girls and just empowering and and educating and mentoring our women our future women.

SPEAKER_00 34:23

It's it's not telling them what to do it's just saying if I had if I had known this if one gift of wisdom this would be you know our our earliest ancestors the women met around the fire to share stories and maintaining that that knowledge that tribal knowledge and I I just want more of that for for us as as the older generations and certainly for the ones coming up yes because aging is not as easy as I thought it would be nope it is not things change all over the place. They do in some amazing ways which I also didn't yes foresee and I'm grateful.

SPEAKER_02 35:01

Well Robin thank you for bringing both structure and heart into this conversation I appreciate how you reminded us that meaningful change doesn't come from fixing ourselves it comes from understanding ourselves and making intentional choices. Listeners we will have all of her contact information in the show notes so be sure and check that out again thank you so much for being here with us today. Thank you Pam it's a pleasure before we close I want to remind you that change doesn't come from fixing yourself. It comes from listening to yourself. If something from today resonated let it land you don't have to act on everything at once one pause one intentional choice one small shift forward is enough. If you'd like early access to episodes before they go live each Thursday you can join the email list at delaybench.com Thank you for being here for slowing down with me and for choosing presence over autopilot. Until next time finish a little stronger than you started.